May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it might come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are talking Damascus, the city Traditionally noted for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be great. Incredible!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed in the putting inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've had stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the very best. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully outside of spot. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A a few-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour till the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable drinking water. But Of course, absolutely sure, let's have An additional location exactly where American men can use robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace try since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: present Absolutely everyone a collection on the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly smooth electrical power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock needs much less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms put in in Just about every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It isn't that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It truly is that he should really end employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the job, replied, "You already know, male, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Good tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon Trump Tower Damascus has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping kinds a large Trump head visible from House, a aspect being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as chin is… effectively, categorized.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after obtaining the constructing's gold plating mirrored a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not only unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Perplexing Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest aspect in the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium the place attendees may contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, full with climate Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Local Syrians are unsure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing System: "Should you Bomb It, They may Come"


The advert campaign, recently leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Endlessly."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "in which's the closest elevator to your West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is by now attracting interest from Intercontinental traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll invest in three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree will also include things like:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a hotel in which my PTSD may have transform-down provider."


One more submit from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reports recommend:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Remaining Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It wanted gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped just like the Structure. I gave it all 3. You might be welcome."

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